Writing task 2 essay (27.08) – Vũ Phương Anh

Ielts writing task 2 topic (IDP): With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Writing task 2 essay:

Nowadays, the drammatical [dramatic] development of technology causes several benefits and drawbacks in our society [this should be the thesis statement and be the final sentence in the introduction]. Technological gadgets play a vital role in individual’s basic material and spirit needs [everyday life] [this sentence should be the background statement and be put at the beginning] as well as it brings more good than harm. 

First of all, individual should recognize a lot of drawback of technology [It is true that communication technology has its own drawbacks]. It weakens some communication skills because most time [most of the time] is spent in the virtual world. For example, more and more postgraduated [graduate] students are bad [helpless] at soft skills like presentation, team – work, etc. As a result, they cannot find [too strong à may struggle finding] out a well – paid job. Besides that, if people take many time to use [spend too much time on] technology, their social interaction will be reduced and the sense of community will be deteriorated. For instance, individual seem [to] focus on mobile phone, tables instead of chatting with their friend in the coffee shop or public place. This would lead to their relationships become [becoming] boring and unexciting [no need, same meaning with ‘boring’]. Furthermore, technological gadgets can cause annoyance or distraction.

However, [there should be a topic sentence here à However, I personally think that advantages offered by mobile phones, tablets and other gadgets far outweigh all the troubles they cause] it enables people to communicate no matter where they are, not only boosting international trade or e – commerce but also promoting cultural exchange and mutual understanding. Consequently, geographical barrier will be deleted and enhance the development of worldwide economy [should change into passive voice to be similar with the clause in front of ‘and’]. In addition, human – being was provided mobile and convenient source of entertainment for the modern hectic life. In [On the] other hand, technology supply [supplies] quick and easy access to necessary information or contact when people stuck in a problem [quite informal -> find themselves in trouble]. A good example for this [case in point] is when we get lost in the [a] narrow city or have an accident, we need to use our smart phone to solve the problem [our smart phone can be a life-saver/trouble-shooter].

Last but not least [not suitable à In conclusion], although the increasing [increasing popularity] of technology can cause several disadvantages, I strongly believe that its advantages can make up and connect human in the world [make up for the drawbacks and transform the world into a better place to live in]

Comment

  • Good range of vocabulary
  • Logical ideas
  • Quite good control of grammar, with several blunders
  • The introduction and the conclusion are not very well-written. Bear in mind that there should be a background statement and a thesis statement in the introduction.
  • Some problems with usage of conjunctions (on the other hand, last but not least, etc.)

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Võ Minh Sử – Chủ sáng lập Homeschooling English Center.